Near Death Experience - A Beginning

July 18, 2004

Much of my radical transformation began exactly two years ago today. I met death in the night, came away with life, and wondered what to do next.

I had spent a blissful, uplifting day on 700 acres of forest and meadow, high in the Colorado mountains. Good friends doing good work was the theme for our annual Community Festival. My heart rested in the peaceful understanding that plenty of humans were living lives of love and balance, focused on helping rather than hindering all the rest of the inhabitants of our planet. Hope was restored in my bitter recesses.
Returning that night, I drove carefully along the unfamiliar, unlit road snaking among the foothills, glad for my headlights. I sang as I drove, still feeling my heart and soul expanded to twenty times their usual size. Hope was restored, and all was well.

Abruptly, I shifted into another consciousness. I just KNEW that I had a choice, and there was no room for error: if I put my foot on the brake that second, my life would continue. If I didn’t, my life would be finished because I had done everything I’d needed to do and this was my exit door.

Time stood still, as it only does in the face of death.

I felt myself rise up. There was an infinite amount of time and serenity to consider the situation. Firstly, I didn’t know why this dilemma was presented, because I seemed to be the only car on this backwoods road. I saw that my life was completed, and was profoundly grateful that I had met my requirements. This life had been a rough one, I thought, and it would be a relief to be done with it. I was grateful for that opportunity. I saw what path my husband would take, and I knew he would eventually be well and happy. But hope had been restored! I had gained skills to not only cope, but to become a source of inspiration for others sometimes. My life was starting to be used as a beacon, and as a way to help others unburden themselves. This was no time to leave! I could stay and be useful in the service of Light.

As that decision formed, I dropped back into regular awareness and hit the brake hard. No time had passed. The next instant, a car appeared from around a sharp curve over a hill in the darkness. It zoomed past me at top speed, missing me by only one inch. Its thunderous passing shook my car. I was stunned.

There was no point in stopping for long. My car, itself reprieved, seemed to creep along of its own accord for the next few miles. Somehow my brain was at a standstill and in a whirl at the same time. This had happened! Really! I met the end of my life, yet chose to stay. What…? What did that mean? What did that mean about my purpose? What did that mean about my self-definition? My marriage? My gallery? Every topic seemed so small, in comparison to the infinity stretching beyond a completed lifetime.

By the time I reached home, all I knew was that everything was different. How different, why different, what next… all of that was a mystery. I told my husband that this was the day he didn’t become a widower. He seemed moved. Clearly, though, the experience was impossible to convey.

The next year was confusing for me. I wondered if I still belonged in my life. If I hadn’t hit the brakes, my husband would be elsewhere doing different things. Was I now standing in his way, when I should have been gone? He was perplexed by my thoughts, but I had to consider it all. Where did I fit? If my blueprint was fully completed at that ending of my life, I was now beyond the blueprint. No personal guidelines existed, that I could see. General human guidelines, yes, but no plan for me.

I decided that I had to make the most mindful and productive use of my “extra” days and years. Soon thereafter I began to undertake new projects aside from working at my gallery. I brought speakers to the area, to teach on interesting topics, or to give classes. Books on various mystical subjects appealed to me. New discoveries in physics fascinated me. I prayed for clarity and direction. I questioned the meaning of everything to the point of absurdity. So much illusion is built into our society, and I was determined to see beyond it.

Two years swirled by. I no longer feel as if I’m in my husband’s way. I have sold my gallery, in order to pursue my newer career in healing. I’ve studied three styles of energy healing over the last two decades, including Reiki, and now combine them for greater effectiveness. It involves a lot of prayer, and that is perfect for my current focus. I’m finding great satisfaction in walking through life in a state of prayer. Certainly I still pray for direction. A new blueprint might be helpful, and I do need help. Clearly the changes are nowhere near ending.
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